*** NICU parents are not a social bunch. I would like to know everyone's story and get a close look at their baby, but most people keep to themselves. I guess we're all just trying to respect privacy and understand we're all under an extreme amount of stress.

*** I'm constantly comparing myself to the other moms and comparing them to each other. Who still has a pregnant belly? (not me!)... Who has the biggest boobs? (maybe me!).

*** Except for swelling around my incision, my tummy is almost as flat as pre-pregnancy. Unfortunately, we can't accurately describe that as "flat". Also, I've lost 6 of the 30 pounds I gained while pregnant. Really? That's it?? At least 10 of those pounds were water! I'm actually looking forward to being able to exercise.

*** One of my favorite times of day at the hospital is ROUNDS! It must be referred to as ROUNDS! because it is just that awesome. Dillon is at a teaching hospital, which makes ROUNDS! even more fascinating. Very Grey's Anatomy, but much less whining. All of the doctors here are incredibly nice and will take as much time as I need to give explanations and answer questions. No egos here.

*** In my completely judgmental opinion, if you are a male Texan and drive a pick-up truck with heated leather seats, you sir are a pussy. (Random, I know, but I decided this today at the hospital).

*** I'm starving all the time! I'm hungrier now than when I was pregnant. Is this because of the pumping? Why didn't anyone mention this would happen? Because of everything going on, I sometimes forget to eat, but put a plate of food in front of me and ... watch out!!  Daniel is thinking about entering me into some competitive eating contests.

So the extra 500 calories burned by breastfeeding are negated by the box of Girl Scout cookies I eat daily. Good one God... very funny.

Oh, and did I mention that I go to do this on Tuesday....





Yeah, for sure the best moment of my life.

Much of my day revolves around pumping. I pump every 2-3 hours and the milk is stored at the hospital to be available when Dillon needs it... not yet, but hopefully soon.

I spend hours a day at the hospital, passing the time by pumping, talking to doctors and nurses, watching Dillon, talking to Dillon, touching Dillon and praying for Dillon.

He had a few good days in a row, but today was hard. All the test and procedures he went through didn't make it easier. We also found out today he has a hole in his heart. There's a chance it can be fixed with medication. I'm praying for that.

I used to be incredibly selfish and I knew that would change after a baby- people kept telling me that. But I really never understood what that meant until now. I think about him constantly. The only thing I do for myself now is this blog.

I do continue to take care of myself, but that's also for him. I have to stay strong, mentally and physically, for him. People keep asking me how I stay clam all the time. I don't know the answer to that other than - I just have to. But I do worry that I'm calm because I'm not really processing what is happening and one day it will all finally sink in. And then I'll completely lose my mind.

Seeing him makes me so happy. He brings me immense joy and happiness. I can't be sad around him. It's impossible.

I know I'll eventually have to go back to work, but I can't think about that now. Right now I'm just trying to get used to my new normal.

The nurse took my blood pressure and when I asked what it was she just said "high" and told me to go in the exam room. The doctor came in, re-checked the blood pressure, took a deep breath and told me I was being admitted to labor and delivery immediately. 185/150. I didn't know a blood pressure reading like that existed.

He explained that I had severe preeclampsia and the baby and I needed to be monitored. In my mini preeclampsia crash course I learned two things: 1. It is very very dangerous for the mom. 2. The only cure is delivery.

At this point I'm really okay. I'm thinking that I'm being admitted to the hospital for bed rest and worst-case scenario I'll be there until the baby is old enough to deliver. Doesn't sound fun, but I've heard of this before and I could totally do it. Looking back, I think this is the point when I went into shock.

Now I'm downstairs at labor and delivery. Not only am I back in L&D, but I'm in the exact room where I delivered Leah Grace one year ago on March 6, 2009. Thank God I was in shock, because if I had actually taken a moment to really think about that, I would have completely fallen apart.

I was hooked up to an IV for magnesium to prevent seizures and my blood pressure recorded every 15 minutes. The baby's heart rate was monitored with a doppler belt around my stomach. Blood labs were drawn to see what kind of effect the preeclampsia was having on my major organs. I got an ultrasound to determine how far along the baby is measuring. Meanwhile, the doctor is asking us to take a moment to decide if we want to stay in this hospital or move to the hospital downtown with a Level 3 NICU.

I had a hard time deciding what to do. I didn't want to move hospitals and have my baby delivered by a stranger. But once my baby did come out, I wanted him to immediately start receiving the best care possible.

I didn't get a chance to decide because as we were talking, my doctor saw that the baby was showing signs of distress and 5 minutes later I was in the operating room being prepped for surgery. My parents were parking their car outside and by the time they got to my room I was on my way to an emergency c-section. We didn't even get a chance to tell them what was happening.

At this point I'm feeling really out of it because of the magnesium. I didn't feel like I was inside my own body. I must have had my eyes closed, because I only remember sounds. Everything happened so fast after that.

I got a spinal block to numb me and they laid me on the operating table. A sheet was up and I couldn't see anything, but I knew that the surgery started because I could feel tugging and pressure. Daniel was next to me and I squeezed his hand the whole time. In order to keep my oxygen mask on, I had to face the opposite direction, but I never let go of his hand. Having no clue what was happening, I started to get really scared. Just then, I heard a faint baby cry. Nothing else mattered. My baby was out. He was okay.

The NIC team immediately began to stabilize him for transport to another hospital who is better equipped to handle a 27 week preemie. An even though he was 27 weeks, the ultrasound showed him to be younger than that. He had grown very little in the last few weeks, likely due to my preeclampsia getting worse and going untreated. I can't let myself go into the what ifs and fantasize about alternate outcomes. All I know is that having an appointment scheduled for that afternoon was an absolute miracle. He would not have made it one more day. I want to beat myself up. I want to question my lack of motherly instincts that tell you when your baby is in danger. But it's not productive. I need to be strong and I just can't let myself go there.

Our little super hero miracle was born March 1, 2010 at 7:22PM, weighing 1 pound, 9 ounces, measuring 11.9 inches.

Later the doctors would tell us how he came out kicking, he even tried to pull out the tubes they put in his tiny body. They said he was the most active 27 week preemie they've ever seen. Also, March 1 is the birthday of Daniel's grandfather who passed away last year. J.D. can only be described as the toughest booger I know. No doubt he is our angel in heaven looking down on our sweet baby boy.

I returned to the recovery room and Daniel came in 20 minutes later. I don't remember much of this, but at some point we had a discussion about his name. Weeks ago we decided to name him Dillon Blake, but were in disagreement over the spelling. I was set on Dylan and he wanted Dillon.

We may be the only ones, but Daniel and I watch this show called Friday Night Lights that comes on Direct TV. Based on the movie, it's about a football town set in Dillon, Texas. Daniel loves it because he grew up playing football in a very similar West Texas town.

So whenever we would have the spelling argument, I would say "Not D-I-L-L-O-N! We can't name him after the Dillon Panthers football team!"

But after I gave birth to our son and the conversation came up again, Daniel said, "But he's strong... like a panther... roar." And I giggled. And my husband had never looked more handsome to me. And I had never been so in love in my life. And in that moment, we weren't two kids wbo just came out of emergency surgery and now had a very sick little 27 week preemie. We were parents choosing our son's name. Dillon Blake.

About 9PM Dillon was brought in the room so that we could see him before he transferred to the other hospital. He was so beautiful! I got to touch his tiny little body and take a few pictures. I felt calm and hopeful.

I stayed on the magnesium for another 24 hours and continued to have my blood pressure monitored. Dillon did very well his first night in the hospital. He is facing a long road full of challenges, but I continue to be hopeful. I'm 100% confident that he is receiving the best possible care. I can't wait to leave this hospital to be with him. I hate that he even has to go one minute without mommy and daddy by his side. I don't know if it's possible, but I hope he knows how much we love him.

Since Monday night, I've had good moments and really terrible moments. I get tired. Sometimes I lose it. I feel overwhelmed, out of control and useless. And on top of everything, I'm dealing with excruciating physical pain. I'm living minute to minute and some minutes it's all just too much.

Sometimes, especially at night, I forget I'm not pregnant anymore. I'll feel a twinge and think kick!, only to be reminded that he was taken from me. For the last 7 months we've been together 24/7 and now he's gone and I can't even see or touch him. These times are the hardest.

Today I will be discharged and it will be the second time in a year that I leave the Labor and Delivery ward of this hospital without a baby in my arms. But this time I do have a baby who is alive and needs me to be his mommy. I don't know what's going to happen, and I can't even imagine the challenges that lie ahead. I'm scared. I'm really fucking scared. But I'm also stronger than I've ever been. Dillon is strong. He's fighting with every ounce of his tiny body. That is my inspiration. I won't let him down.

  
  

Dillon Blake
Born March 1, 2010
1 pound, 9 ounces 

My son. The fighter.

More details to come.

If it's your thing, please say a little prayer for us.

Today, however, I'm making this one exception.

Teenage girls sometimes have sex. Teenage girls sometimes get pregnant. It sucks. In an effort to reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies and slutty high school juniors, I am offering the below photo. Please show it to every teenage girl you know, and tell her this* is what happens when you have sex...

Most effective form of birth control. Ever.
 
*Um, yeah, it's also what happens when you're 27 weeks prego and refuse to switch to flats. And refuse to elevate your feet the first 100 times your husband tells you. But mostly, it's because of the sex.

Leachco Snoogle Total Body Pillow

Is life changing.

After 6 weeks of no sleep because I wake up 17 times during the night with mini panic attacks brought on by the realization that I'm sleeping on my back, Husband broke down and ordered me this pillow.

It's like sleeping on a cloud! A soft, snuggly, cozy, angel-kissed cloud.

Oh, and it keeps me in the proper sleep position, too.

Last night? I slept. The. Whole. Night.

I slept the whole night!

Excuse me while I go make out with my pillow.

My dad recently won money and apparently it's written into his marriage contract that he give half to my mom to spend anyway she wants. She generously wants to give it to me for The Diaper Bag Of My Dreams. Otherwise, I might decide it's totally acceptable to just reuse some old Target plastic bags.

For a while I've had my heart set on this little Juicy number, and tried to win several eBay auctions with no success.

Then I came across the Petunia Pickle Bottom Cake Collection. I know, plush French velvet may seem impractical, but OHMYGOSH, how cute!

Today I found a company called timi & leslie, and while I really like this bag, does it not seem freakishly large to you?




Also loving this one from Liz Lange. Again, why so big? Do you actually carry the baby inside?

I know what you're thinking. Why not spend the time, or more importantly the money, on a car seat or maternity leave or paying for college?! Because. Those things overwhelm me. And when I get overwhelmed, I buy purses.

It's what I do.

It's who I am.

2. Helping with Husband's English class is more time-consuming than I thought. I seriously don't remember this much reading when I was in college. Maybe 30 year old Kelly just reads slower than 20 year old Kelly.

3. My visit with the boss did not go as well as we hoped. Long story short, BEFORE I got pregnant, she said that I could look into some educational/ training opportunities to help with a new job responsibility. Whatever time fits my schedule... plenty of money in the budget... blah blah blah.

I finally find an online class starting in the fall perfect for what I need. Her reaction?

That will be after you have the baby. You can't do training after you have the baby. Plus, I really don't think your husband would appreciate that.

Bitchsaywhat?!

Having a baby prevents me from taking an ONLINE class needed for JOB GROWTH? And I can't even begin to understand what my husband has to do with it. Even if it wasn't an online class, it's none of her business if I want to let Husband babysit for a few hours while I get educated. PLENTY OF MOTHERS GO TO SCHOOL. WHAT. THE. HELL.

Oh, the tears that followed that conversation. This happened five days ago, and I'm glad to say I'm doing better. I decided to take it as a sign about my future with this company.

Plus, I realized that I have so much more to look forward to right now. How can I let a stupid job get me down?

4. We've been working on the nursery. Paint. Furniture. A few accessories. My cat is loving it! Pictures coming soon!

5. I'm finally allowing people to mention the S word... SHOWERS. I'm a big Debbie Downer when it comes to baby showers, even my own. But I'm slowly getting on board. My mom didn't get to do a shower for her first grand baby, so I know this is really important to her. It's happening and I might as well enjoy it.

I'll try to take and post a belly shot when I get home tonight. I'm at the point where strangers are asking when I'm due. Crazy!
 

Here it is! Ignore my dirty, half-painted bathroom. And yes, that is my dog behind me. He's my shadow these days...

Suddenly, I can say what I feel, when I'm actually feeling it. I can tell people no. I can tell people to suck it. I can get my way! Because really, who is going to tell a pregnant woman no?

While it's great for me, my boss is coming in to town tomorrow and I'm a little nervous... for her sake. I rarely see her, and she doesn't know me well. For the last few months she's had to deal with my Elton John diva-level tantrums through email. I can only imagine what a face to face meeting will bring.

I'm not sure if it's the hormones or the new perspective that comes with growing a human. I have a much better handle on what is/ isn't important. And more than anything, I don't feel the need to waste time on stupidity and not saying what needs to be said.

Or maybe it's just, you know... pregnant women are smug??

I want her hair! I want the color! I want bangs! Which in all honesty, on me would become side bangs, or more likely, pull-them-back-with-a-barrette bangs.

But mostly, I just want the color. I know, I know, it's fine to dye your hair when you're pregnant, especially after the first trimester. I just can't do it. All I can think about are the chemicals seeping into my brain, entering my blood stream, crossing over into the placenta and choking my baby.

Plus, my mom says that the pregnancy hormones can cause the color to come out weird. What's worse than unpredictable hair color? Nothing.

So for now I will enjoy my three inch muddy brown roots and dream of the day when I can strut some nice long shiny auburn locks.

What hairstyles are you currently craving??